Since you are here
by kim-onka
Summary: She wants to save him, she needs him close, neither can be honest so they keep silent, but how long can they stand it apart, when everything seems to crumble and she cries for him? Fai/Sakura, Infinity, Sakura's POV. Please R&R. Bonus: Songfic at the end!
1. hold me as I am falling apart

Disclaimer:I do not own Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle. CLAMP do.

Spoiler warning: This story can include spoilers up to chapter 179, which means we are developing! Usually, it'd be only 166…

Please Read, Enjoy and Review, even if you're not a logged member, I'll appreciate that.

* * *

_Forget-me-nots, they say,_

_Are flowers from a fairy-tale._

_They grow by the brook,_

_With yellow eye they look._

_When you pass in a craft_

_They give a quiet laugh_

_And whisper humbly:_

"_Don't forget about me"_

**1. hold me as I am falling apart**

At a knock on the door Sakura lifted her head.

"Yes?" She asked. Unnecessarily, because she knew whom to expect.

"I brought you breakfast, Sakura-chan," Fai's voice came to her ears.

"Please come in."

Like the previous day. Like the day before the previous day. Like everyday.

She rose to her feet as he entered.

"Hello, Fai-san. How are you today?"

The casual question struck her as vain, if not absurd.

"Hello, Sakura-chan. I'm fine, thanks." Sakura wondered briefly if that could even be considered a lie. Not like it mattered, of course. "How about you?"

"Pretty well, thank you."

Fai placed the tray he'd been holding on a small table and stepped back.

"Bon appetite. I hope it'll taste you."

She looked at the sweet pancakes and foamy cappuccino waiting on the table top, and suddenly felt scarily weak against the ties of formality they'd imposed upon themselves.

"You know it always does."

In a way, they had become even closer. Yet in another, a barrier appeared – or maybe it'd been there from the very beginning, only she'd failed to notice?

"There always has to be the first time, right?"

Whichever the case, she didn't want him to leave. Even if they wouldn't share their thoughts, being with him was still significantly different to being alone.

"Would you mind staying?"

That, in turn, sounded artificial and insufficient, given how much she needed him to stay.

His hand froze on the handle.

"Not at all, if you'd like me to."

Was he, too, struggling for breath in those ties? Or was he so used to them he treated them as natural?

"Then please stay."

They were entangled in ritual words and gestures; the bindings of this new, unfamiliar formality hindered them.

"All right."

But none the less did that entanglement also keep each of them together, preventing them from crumbling completely.

He held the chair for her as she sat down.

In addition to that, she'd come to realise it was his very presence that reminded her of what had to be done and why.

The taste of sweetened cottage cheese with cream and raisins persistently reminded her of that blissful time in their café, when he'd been bringing her cookies and teaching  
her how to cook.

Even if there were no other reasons, then – for him. And that was enough.

He took place across the table and watched her eat.

As long as she could be with him, she was more or less composed – she had to be, for his sake.

'Cat's Eye' had turned out to be merely a dream, an illusion. Yet she hadn't paid attention to that simple fact until when everything else, everything she'd used to take for granted, everything which had given her the overlookable everyday happiness, turned out to be an illusion, an act or a lie.

"It's delicious," she remarked.

His grown hair veiled his pale face as if in an unfeasible attempt to conceal the dark spot of an eye patch.

The corners of his mouth raised in a rather tired manner at her customary praise.

"I'm glad."

That time in Outo Country… She held it in her memory with a note of nostalgic longing, despite knowing that wishing for it to return was selfish.

The right eye of his was looking at her, and its expression she couldn't decipher.

Back then, she'd used to be happy. But the others hadn't. Fai hadn't.

That blue colour… she remembered comparing his eyes to sapphires, yet that likeness seemed strangely inaccurate. Incomplete.

Her ability to be happy had been a result of ignorance. Ignorance of the others' hurting.

Only later had she realised what his eyes were really like.

Not that anyone was happier now, quite the opposite. However, she could share the burden. Or even try to help.

Fai's eye, which stared at her across the table, had the subtle shade of a forget-me-not.

But although she genuinely wanted to save everyone, she sometimes missed those days when she'd been able to meet his compelling gaze oblivious of what lied beyond his smiles.

And that was finally suitable, for she had a notion that this eye remembered everything it had seen; all those painful sights, it could distinctly remember.

What was once seen cannot be unseen.

Along with that, as she'd been increasingly captivated by the air of his look, she'd felt as if it also bore a plea. _Don't forget me. I'm here. It's me. Please don't forget. _

She had seen it, but he had lived in it for so long she could hardly imagine how it must've been like.

Presumably, he wasn't aware of that himself; indeed, she had reasons to suspect his intentions were contradictory. Even so, each time she lost herself in his eye deep with memories, she knew she would never, ever forget.

She had to save him. He needed to be saved.

"Sakura-chan, we should be going soon."

She called herself back from the unfathomable blue to see him smiling warmly.

"Oh. Uhm. Sure. We have 'chess' today, don't we."

A rapid urge hit her to tell him that she knew, and he didn't have to act, to pretend. To hug him and say it would be all right, she'd make sure it would.

Immediately he was next to her, helping her to stand up.

On the other hand, if he was smiling in order to reassure her, add her courage, show he was there for her – could such a smile be considered fake?

"The others are probably already waiting for us!"

They continued speaking of trivia to avoid lies. They relied on courtesy to communicate their silent pact.

"Let's go then. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting."

Only that it appeared that wasn't enough.

"But not at all, absolutely."

She was beginning to comprehend that what she needed most of all was for him to be near. Without him, the supporting bonds disappeared; with him, they frayed as her heart craved after him.

Every time he was to leave her side, she feared she would fall apart.

* * *

Author's Note: All right! First, about that little rhyme at the beginning. I haven't written it. What I have done was render it! I don't believe there are any copyrights for it; it's just that kind of a rhyme everyone knows. If you can guess the original, you win a secret prize! (negotiable)

You probably noticed that this story's structure is all mixed and twisted… Needless to say that was the idea, but how was it?


	2. if there is anything real about us

Disclaimer: I haven't come into the possession of Tsubasa since last week.

Spoiler warning: I've mentioned spoilers up to chapter 179… so they start here.

* * *

_You look so beautiful today_

_When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away_

_So I try to find the words that I could say_

_I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away_

_And I can't lie_

Simple Plan, "I can wait forever"

**2. if there is anything real about us**

Fai was carrying Sakura upstairs.

They'd won another match, as she'd known they would.

Still, 'chess' was certainly exhausting and right now she was fighting not to drift off.

Her thoughts were trying to find where to wander, rather unsuccessfully.

Held by him, she attempted to muster the nerve she'd need to face what yet awaited her.

He only did let go of her in her own room.

"It's all right, I can stand", she assured him.

There were simply too many worries to fret over tiredness or an immobile leg.

Fai watched her expectantly for a while before reluctantly asking.

"You said you wanted to talk to me, didn't you, Sakura-chan?"

She had. Because she couldn't stand it anymore.

"...Perhaps you'd prefer to put it off till tomorrow?" The tone of hope in his voice was quite conspicuous. "You look a bit drained."

Supposedly she'd scared him off by requesting a talk in advance.

"No, today is fine. If it's fine by you."

Despite all her determination, it was Sakura's turn to pray for refusal.

It'd been nearly spontaneous to tell him at that time, but she'd been aware, and she was now, that otherwise she couldn't have brought herself to do so.

His commitment to her was already too strong for him to deny.

It was bound to be painful. For her, and for him. Again for her to see him hurt.

"Anything my princess wishes is fine by me."

Nevertheless, she needed to ask him. Needed to ascertain.

In the light of what she suspected, hearing him call her 'his princess' became even more crushing.

That one question had been haunting her more than she'd been able to endure.

He escorted her to one of the chairs, the very same chairs by the very same table, all over again.

Besides, there was nothing else she could let pour out.

Aware that he was waiting for her to speak, Sakura riveted her eyes upon the cuff she'd started to pluck nervously.

His past, her mission, the future, their current situation – all those she subjects she had to lock inside herself due to the fear of failure.

Their unspoken agreement on silence had revealed to be insufficient.

When she couldn't mention them aloud, she'd decided to express that single concern.

Every day, she experienced stronger and stronger yearning to hang on to him and weep at everything that had happened to them.

"Fai-san…"

After she said what had to be said, she'd at least have an excuse to cry.

"Yes."

For her silence was swollen with unshed tears.

"You have your magic, don't you?"

She noted a movement as his hand lifted instinctively to his last blue eye.

"And with your magic, you can sense… things, is that right?"

Lately, she'd come to the point where she could barely manage to look at herself.

She took a deep breath, feeling a lump in her throat.

"You knew… From the very beginning, you'd known…"

Yet he'd never shown any sign… He'd always been so amiable, in all those manners of his.

"…about Syaoran-kun. Is that right?" She demanded, raising her head.

Even so, he didn't refuse to look at her.

Her desperate gaze met his face, which bore a look of horrified anticipation. He nodded slightly.

"If so, then you should also know… you should… know…"

Sakura's voice faltered, contradicting her efforts to put it into words.

Fai's hand reached tentatively towards hers.

"…you should know about me!" She almost shouted.

After all, it was she who rapidly looked away, incapable of speech under his anxious look.

He halted at her scream.

"Sakura-chan…"

She'd chosen to save him, yet she was causing him pain.

She would've liked him to hold her hand, unless he'd done it against himself.

"You should know I am… the same… I am not… a real human…only a created thing!"

The implications of this statement overwhelmed her, clear as never once she'd articulated it.

Hot tears began to trace their way down her cheeks.

"Tell me… the truth… tell me… tell me I'm wrong… tell me it isn't so…"

Suddenly she felt cold.

Not only was he the only one who could tell her the truth, but also the one whose attitude towards that truth somehow seemed the most important.

Fai sat in soundless hesitation, which could mean just one answer.

"You won't deny." Sakura was surprised at the emotionless tone of her voice. "You can't deny. Because it's true."

That he cared for her. That he protected her. That he'd devoted his own life to her despite what he'd lost for her sake.

Not daring look at him, she buried her face in her palms.

While she was merely a creation.

"Sakura-chan… I'm sorry, please… please don't cry…"

Everything was just too awful.

She heard him rise and approach her.

What did that entail for him? For them?

His fingers enclosed her wrists, attempting to pull her hands away from the face.

"M-my heart…" she stuttered.

Despite the increasing turmoil in her soul, she was determined to express what she feared the most.

His hands were cool.

"Does it mean my heart can be stolen away from me one day? Like Syaoran-kun's?!"

Only now did she realise he'd knelt in front of her.

She surrendered to his efforts and stared at him with large eyes.

"No!" His cry shivered with aching. "Your heart is yours and only yours, no one can ever take it away, Sakura-chan!"

Balancing on the verge of a breakdown, she wondered if he could suspect how much of that hers and only hers heart belonged to him.

"H-how is that p-possible?.. Nothing is mine! I am no one! Even that name, it's hers!"

She saw him bit his lip, just like then.

She wasn't sure what she'd like him to do or say.

"No! No, please… please believe me, you are… you are my one and only Sakura-chan… my princess!"

His breaking words were sinking into her mind when the blue of his eye disappeared as he drew her closer.

And the next thing she knew was him kissing her gently on the lips, sending thrilling sensations throughout her body.

His one and only Sakura-chan… his princess.

Without thinking, she let her eyelids drop and returned the kiss.

To lose herself for this one moment, not to think, not to be afraid, not to doubt.

The grip on her hands tightened.

To kiss her Fai-san and ignore everything else, if that was the single piece of happiness she could obtain.

When she turned her head for breath, she felt his mouth searching for hers.

To have him near, always, always, always.

But no matter how much they wanted to delay that moment, the kiss eventually ended and she found her forehead leaning against his.

"Don't forget… please never forget… how precious you are."

She opened her eyes only to see the blackness of his eyepatch and the outline of his lashes.

"Fai-san…" she began, but the name hung helplessly as she started to shake convulsively.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and burst into tears.

Fai cuddled her as though trying to absorb her sobs.

She was already crying openly, but it occurred to her than at the very last there was something she could do openly.

* * *

Ta-da, so this is part two! Hopefully it doesn't come as a disappointment to those who liked the first enough to read on.

It turned out longer… I'm the one saying chapters should be of equal length, what a failure… But it's not SIGNIFICANTLY longer, is it?..

This is actually the first time I'm adding a chapter XD

And it's still not the end…

Please review!

PS As a matter of fact, I like the first chapter better -_-" If you happen to have any remarks or suggestions, please go ahead, and I promise I'll take them into consideration.


	3. my wish is to save a chance

Disclaimer: No matter how many weeks pass, Tsubasa is still CLAMP's.

Before you start! I've recently experimented with that option stuff you have right above the selection of chapters, and I think this story looks somewhat better when you click "1/2" instead of "full". Now enjoy.

* * *

_And though You're invisible_

__

I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply

And I can't feel You by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know

You're here and I'm never alone

Barlowgirl "Never Alone"

**3. my wish is to save a chance**

When Sakura woke up, the world was grey.

She was half-lying on an armchair, leaning against Fai.

At the remembrance of the previous days' events she felt faint heat creeping onto her cheeks.

Her head rested on his chest, one of her hands had slipped to his shoulder.

She'd been weeping, bursting into sobs again and again each time she'd calmed down a little bit.

Around her waist there were his hands.

For herself as well as for him, since he hadn't cried with her. He was incapable of crying.

Snuggled up to him, she was under a delusion of safety and protection.

She'd slid from her chair right into his arms, and he'd held her and stroked her, kneeling on the floor and whispering words that had borne hardly any meaning.

It seemed paradoxical, as it was he who needed to be saved by her.

After some time he'd attempted to pick her up and lay her to sleep, but she'd refused to let go of him.

Yet despite that, she feared abandoning the fake reassurance of his.

Eventually he'd placed her beside himself on the armchair, kissed both her wet eyes and gathered her, half conscious, in an embrace.

The loneliness of dreams without awakening appeared so very dreadful.

And so she'd fallen asleep with him by her side, exhausted by anguished laments.

He was sitting absolutely motionless, even too motionless for her to believe he was dozing.

But before everything else, and above everything else, they'd shared a mesmeric kiss the memory of which evoked a surge of alluring puzzlement in Sakura.

She adjusted her position slightly to relieve the somewhat numb limbs.

Their first kiss.

"Are you awake?" Fai asked quietly.

However, she still felt vaguely cold.

Merely the thought of such an occurrence was wonderful.

"Mhm," she mumbled. "I suppose so."

They were both incessantly cold, even when they were so close together.

He'd managed to alleviate the fretful ache of her heart at the thought of being artificial.

"Feeling any better now?"

She pondered how much of what bonded them was that mutual cool weakness.

If only she could take it for granted that it'd truly denoted what she was hopeful for.

"Y-yes, thank you. T-thank you… for not lying to me."

His fingers combed her messed hair away from her face.

She wanted to articulate that if the only reason why he'd kissed her had been to console her, he needn't have done it.

"Sakura-chan… I never intended to make you cry."

To her distaste, the sentence wouldn't pass through her throat.

Couldn't he recognise what release flew from crying?

"I know. It wasn't your fault. But… I can't stop wondering… what that meant…"

Her voice faded as she huddled in futile search for warmth.

She trusted he wouldn't require clarifications as for what she understood by _that_.

"Can't you guess?"

The whisper caressed her ear despite the tense in its tone.

A muffled chuckle escaped her mouth.

"I'd rather not."

Her fake heart was pounding as one with his broken heart.

By that time they were irrevocably tied together.

"That meant… Sakura-chan, that I'm in love with you… I love you."

Swept by a wave of bittersweet affection, she waited until the world finished spinning around.

And the deeper the attachment they felt to each other grew, the more painful the upcoming events were bound to be.

She moved to see his face, but his eye was closed again.

"Why won't you look at me?!"

Fai blinked and looked at her, astounded by the unexpectedly frantic note in her voice.

She withdrew a hand and brushed her fingertips against his chin, his cheek, his temple.

"I-I love you too. Fai-san…"

The view of his forget-me-not-blue iris had always had that hypnotic influence on her.

Although she wasn't certain how it'd happened or who'd started it, in a moment the only thing she was aware of was the tender softness of his lips on her own.

Selfishly, she was tightening the bonds between them.

"I wish I could stay with you," she blurted breathlessly.

He'd already experienced how it was to watch a dear person die and believe it'd been his fault.

Choosing not to comment, he immersed her once more in a loving kiss.

She knew all too well she'd miss him desperately.

"My beloved princess, I'll do any…"

In a way, she'd remain with him. Her body would help him remember.

But those chains she couldn't allow him to put on himself.

"No!" Sakura cut him off.

After all, _I will do anything_ is a vow which ought to be made only once.

If it were possible, she longed to ease his suffering.

Otherwise, it becomes a lie when one needs to choose whom to remain faithful to.

"Please don't say that. It's not a promise I can accept."

She thought she'd like to be able to grant him happiness. Actually, she'd like to grant everyone their own happiness, herself included.

It hurt to observe how a memory that should be precious and full of gratitude was sore and guilt-tainted instead.

"Except for a promise, I have nothing left to offer you."

Yet it wasn't in her might.

Hugging him tightly, she left a kiss in the corner of his mouth.

"It's not true. That you're here with me… it means everything to me."

What was is her might, though, was to make sure they didn't lose the thing which was vital for happiness; the one thing which rarely provided happiness in itself, but without which no efforts were sufficient.

"But if you want, promise me something else."

Feeling utterly selfish, she neared her lips to his ear to express her request.

She could make sure they stayed alive.

"Promise me that no matter what happens, you'll always remember me. And that, no matter what happens, your memory of me will be a happy memory."

Fai's hand was in her hair, stroking her fondly.

She could also attempt to save him from his darkness.

"Sakura-chan…"

Her mouth delicately rubbed his skin.

After that, maybe they could meet again.

"Please."

He didn't ask her questions, for he was still afraid of questions she might ask him.

As long as they were there, both Sakura and Fai could only hold on and wish for a chance to change the future.

"I promise."

Her last thought before he gave her a kiss that erased any other was that then maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't be cold anymore.

* * *

Author's Note: What else could there be? This is the end.

Or almost the end. A songfic is due to happen in the future, to finish that off.

You know, there's a very nice thing about a multi-chaptered story, and that is the story alerts. Even if I don't get a review, I get an alert, and so I know you're there. It's even nicer when I find myself with alerts for two different stories from the same person. (Yes, my memory is sufficient to identify that it's you again ^-^)

Naturally, my thanks go mainly to miss onlyemmet who-reviewed. Ślicznie dziękuję :)

Yay, and there appeared a Philosophical Effusion XD My debut story was with one… And of course the-motif-I-cannot-write-for-Tsubasa-without.

That stupid paperclip that thinks it knows better what I want to write!

Wait, what was I… aha. I hope the entire story and that last chapter provided you with entertainment, and I'm looking forward to learning what you think.

Cheers.


	4. and we'll never be the same again

Disclaimer: Tsubasa belongs to CLAMP. The song "Never Be The Same Again" belongs to Ms Melanie C (Melanie Jayne Chisholm) and maybe also someone else, not me anyway.

I didn't use the whole song, only parts, and even those parts are mixed, so for the original, full lyrics check elsewhere.

* * *

*

_/ Come on. Ooh, yeah.  
Never be the same again. /_

_*  
_

- as they stood by each other, one praying the other wouldn't collapse, and sharing meek shadows of smiles covering untold truths which were the most genuine -

*

_/ I call you up whenever things go wrong.  
You're always there. You are my shoulder to cry on. /_

_*  
_

- in spite of those misty recollections of childish dreams full of cheer fluttering around her like colourful butterflies, of wild grins and serene certainty of mutual secrets –

*

_/ Nothing ventured nothing gained.  
(You are the one) /_

_*  
_

- and although in the world in which they finally found one another not even love was able to bring them joy, in fact joy itself would be out of place, a distortion to the solemnity of their reality –

*

_/ I can't believe it took me quite so long.  
To take the forbidden step. /_

_*  
_

- still that love felt so very precious when they walked along rainy streets with their fingers intertwined and his eye rested on her face in that one special way -

*

_/ I'm hoping that you feel the same.  
This is something that I can't forget. /_

_*  
_

- when he told her she was beautiful she wondered if they'd been both blind or maybe equally well concealed and how it was at all possible they'd been apart for so long -

*

/_ Now I know that we were close before.  
I'm glad I realised I need you so much more. /_

_*  
_

- and how visible it eventually was at the moment, and why hadn't the others said anything by now and what, if anything, they were thinking, and then again what did that matter –

*

_/ And I don't care what everyone will say.  
It's about you and me. /_

_*  
_

- though from time to time she did stop, hesitate, her thoughts torn, whether it was really okay the way it was, with everything else so totally wrong, were they mistaken and what would that change -

*

_/ But sometimes it seems completely forbidden.  
To discover those feelings that we kept so well hidden. /_

_*  
_

- yet at the touch of his lips on her neck she could only gather his hands, surrounding her arms, to her heart and in a shaky voice ask for words of love -

*

_/ When you tell me the stories of your quest for me.  
Picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly. /_

_*  
_

- then, shutting her eyelids, she assured him she knew and she believed, and she tried to fight away the image of what those hands of his were going to commit not in so far away a future -

*

_/ So things will never be the same between you and I.  
We intertwined our life forces and now we're unified. /_

_*  
_

- why, why did it have to be so harsh, couldn't a prince and a princess be granted their fairy tale in which she'd break any curse weighing upon him with a kiss -

*

_/ A fine line's between fate and destiny.  
Do you believe in the things that were just meant to be? /_

_*  
_

- none the less she turned to say that she loved, too, she'd loved and she would love, and to kiss him, slowly and again and again because there was scarcely anything left while his lips were so sweet -

*

_/ Though improbable it's not impossible.  
For a love that could be unstoppable. /_

_*  
_

- and she was aware just how much too late it was to call it off, but why would she in the first place, and so she pulled back a tiny little bit and that one time whispered his name like never before, and for a thump of her heart waited for him to answer -

*

_/ It's not a secret anymore.  
We'll never be the same again. /_

_*  
_

- "Fai…"-

*

_/ Never be the same again. /_

_*  
_

-"…Sakura."-

*

_/ Never be the same again. /_

_*  
_

_

* * *

  
_

Author's Note: Yes, I do realise it is absolutely awful of me to ignore and leave unmentioned the great positive influence Mokona had on Sakura, on Fai, on everyone else, even on itself. I can apologise for that and for some other minor stuff, too.

Seriously though…. I know it was long. It was long because I wanted to write the second part of my mirror story first, which caused me considerable problems, but eventually I managed! (The mirror story hasn't been updated yet, that's right, and that's for a very good and fairly easily guessable reason, thank you.) So, this is the excuse ^^

More importantly: how do you like _this_? Please review! :)

But how did it happen I got stuck with so much of Past Perfect in the whole of this story?.. I hate that _

Dziwaczność, doprawdy xD A zresztą. Całkiem miło się pisało ^-^


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